Fostering Friendships

This week I have said goodbye to a new friend as she stops being a work colleague and we begin a life long friendship!

Throughout our lives we meet all sorts of people with whom we come in contact. We may see these people for only one day, or perhaps two, may be even a month one year or could be a lifetime, but each and every individual forms part of our lives and we have different relationships with all of them. I categorise these in three buckets:

·      Everyday fillers – those who you know as part of your everyday life

·      Essential Relationships – these you need to function every day

·      Long Life Friendships – rear and add meaning to your life

Everyday fillers

These individuals are those you don’t care much but they are part of your life – in other words you deal with them as part of your transactional everyday life. They may be customers, neighbours, work colleagues or people you come in contact with during your day; you are polite to them and they are polite to you back. They make little contribution to your live or have no effect or impact on us, they are there as part of our routine, but will not miss them when they are gone. You may see these individuals for one day or a lifetime, but you never forester that relationship and never moves form a greeting or chitchat to anything meaningful.

Essential Relationships

Then we have those who we interact more and build a relationship with and become essential for us to function. Those may again be customers, work colleagues, schoolmates, or simply someone we see on a regular bases in social circumstances (a bar, a club or at the occasional dinner party). We may share things in common; our children go to the same school, we visit the same church or live in the same area. We probably care a little bit more about these individuals than the everyday fillers and, unlike the fillers; they have an impact in our lives. This is usually as a result of us choosing to build a long-term relationship (we worked together for a long time or have lived in the same street for years) we have clicked with them and have form an alliance that makes us feel comfortable with them.

With this people, while we are with them we enjoy their company, due to the more in-depth relationship their behaviour affects us (we slightly care about what they think or do) but at the end of the day when they are gone we would probably not miss them and may never see them again, unless circumstances brings us together in the future in which case you are pleased to see them. But you wouldn’t go out of your way to keep in touch. Social media has widen the scope to stay in touch with people so perhaps we will continue to communicate with them but this essential relationships become everyday fillers, we don’t really care and we just scroll pass their posts on Facebook unless we want to bitch about their new job, friends, houses or holidays.

Long Life Friendships

These are those we care about, and have a massive impact in our lives. These people are generally those we have chosen to be part of our lives. This group are instrumental to our day-to-day life, long term plans and in general they are part of who we are. We enjoy their company and respect them for who they are; we care about their opinion and we value their input. These individuals may not be in our lives every day, but they are present and always there. Everything about them matters and distance or time has no effect on how we feel about them, they have a special place in our lives.  We, and they, have chosen to build a long life relationship and will forester that relationship for the rest of our lives.

And fostering relationships starts as everyday filler, moving to an essential relationship before you become a long life friend!

Many of the people I consider important in my life started as everyday fillers, becoming essential relationships and gradually I cared enough to continue having them in my life. They moved from someone I knew to someone I liked to someone I care about. And I may only see once these individuals in a blue moon, but having them as part of my life makes a difference and I work hard to continue fostering those friendships for a lifetime.

I am grateful for all the people I know and have met in my life, whether they are everyday fillers, essential relationships or long life friends, I think being able to have people around you is important to keep us going and remain sane. Foster each of those relationships individually and how you want them to affect your life, they will make you who you are and bring that richness in your everyday life.

Week Thirty- three – #Culture

They say that Culture is at the heart of a nation and to get to that nation you have to win their heart!

You can take the boy out of Mexico but you can't take Mexico out of the boy!

This week I was talking to a group of people about culture and it is a subject that fascinates me for many reasons. And Culture is something so powerful and important in our lives that we should all pay attention to it and be aware of the implications that it has in our lives. But let’s first define what culture is. I am not going to give you the dictionary definition but rather what I have learned throughout my life.

First of all culture is at the centre of everyone’s life. It’s a set of values we live by and use to drive our actions. Culture is a passion for something we have inherited and will pass on to others and it is what makes us who we are. With this in mind, you can see why when I say culture is something very powerful I mean VERY POWERFUL! That is why often you hear people say “it’s a culture shock” essentially because when you are faced with something that doesn’t fit your culture, it throws out everything you know about values and set of norms you live by.

Now let us put this in perspective. I was born and raised in Mexico and spent the first 18 years of my life there. At heart and mind I am a Mexican and my routes are something I will never loose particularly because my formation years where spent living and breathing the Mexican way. They say you can take the boy out of Mexico but you can’t take Mexico out of the boy, a true statement for all of us. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been away from your motherland, you will always have something that ties you back, and it is who you are. And the reason for this is that your education and character building took place there and it is embedded in you.  For me growing up in Mexico set my views and values I now carry with me and live by, I am proud to be Mexican and will always carry it in my heart. There is a Mexican Mariachi song that says “Beautiful and beloved Mexico, if I die far away from you, tell them that I’m sleeping and return me to you” and nothing could be further from the truth, you main not be buried in your home land but spiritually that’s were we all end up.

But the boy left Mexico and went to the UK and did he have a culture shock! The next set of my formation years (teens) were spent in England, where things worked very differently! But here is where I became fascinated with culture without knowing it. Most people when they leave their country they become homesick, and they miss everything about their culture. It is a natural reaction; remember what we said about culture, it rules your life, so all of the sudden everything you know is out of whack! But for me it was different. Right up to the date I left Mexico I lived and breath the culture, it’s all I knew and loved it (Mexican’s do have a lot of fun!) but within days of being in the UK I was not missing Mexico any more. It’s hard to explain as I did and still love Mexico, but I was ready to embrace a new culture, which fascinated me. Some people saw this wrong as they believed I was forgetting where I came from, trust me I never have, but I didn’t need to miss Mexico to still love it, and at the same time I was learning a new way of life, a new set of values and passions of people in my new country, my new home. Pretty soon I realised that I wanted to stay in the UK and therefore I had to embrace the culture and live like an Englishman! Here is where I began to understand that culture is at the heart of a nation and to get to people’s hearts is through their culture. Often what cause conflict in society is segregation and the struggle between who is right and who is wrong. When you are a Mexican and live in the UK, if you live like a Mexican you will never fit in or indeed be accepted into society. You can remain proud to be a Mexican and still follow your traditions, but you must also embrace the culture where you live and conform to the values of the people there, after all you have chosen to be here.

I don’t mean to say I had to become English to be accepted, not at all, I still call myself a Mexican even though I’ve not lived there for over 28 years. But I had to learn their culture, accept it and live it, this was now my home and it would become part of who I am. So I guess I could say there is Mexican and English in me, Mexinglish may be the right word for me; I learned the values of the culture and lived by those values, which often aligned with my values as a Mexican.

I have sometimes called myself “citizen of the world” because I have been fortunate enough to also be able to experience different cultures and embrace them. My mother’s family came form Spain and I married a Spaniard, so I have also learned and embraced the culture. I have lived and worked in Germany and my father side has some German, so I declared myself German! There is some Jewish blood in our family and I have been fortunate enough to spend time in Israel through my work, I have felt home every time I’ve been there. I’ve been mistaken as an Armenian, Georgian, Azeri, Egyptian, Italian, and any other Latin Middle eastern countries you can think of, and when I’ve been in those countries I have learned and embraced their culture, and some times feel part of them! In my travels I have learned that the way to be accepted anywhere you are, first you have to accept where you are. Learn about the country, the people, their traditions, passion, believes, be respectful of these and try things, nothing is going to kill you. If people see that you accept them, they will accept you and also respect your culture back.

It is very rewarding to live and learn new cultures; it only makes you stronger and a better person. There are many values that are shared by all, Family, Health, Friendship, and Respect, we all live by these. So if we accept people’s culture, soon you will see that actually it’s not that far away from yours, the difference is the rich history and traditions that make each country and culture so unique and fascinating to learn, after all, we are all citizens of this world, the world belongs to all of us.

The sooner we remove segregation and separation of land, the sooner we will enjoy sharing our cultures and planned amongst our fellow citizens of the world!

Week Thirty-one – Family and Friends!

My father use to say, “In life you can choose your friends but not your family” and he was right, but both are equally important in our lives.

There is nothing worst than a terrible silence or long pauses when you are desperately trying to make polite conversation with someone you have very little in common. Or those moments of awkward time together with someone you know but really share hardly any emotional attachments. We all have been there, and we all have experience this even with people we have known for a long time. Some people say there is no chemistry if you don’t “hit it off” with someone, some times that special “bond” may not exist, but whatever it is, it is clear that there are some people we would rather not see very often unless we have to!

On the other hand, one of the greatest feelings in this world is when you can sit with someone and just talk for hours and feel good about it. Those times when you can just sit there a talk, feel that you are being listened to and it just feels natural being there. There are no awkward moments, and slices are always a pause to reflect on what has been said and continue with the conversation. And at no point you feel that time is ticking in the background, in fact, often you run out of time, because you have so much more to say. Those are special moments we all have shared with people we know and have in our lives.

This week I have remembered the importance of Friends and Family, and not that I had forgotten about it, but sometimes we take things for granted and become blasé about people in our lives. You may have heard the expression that says “You don’t know what you have until you lose it” which is often associated with someone breaking up from a relationship realising that what they had was good. Or sometime when someone close to us has passed away, and we then realised how important he/she was in our lives. Far too often we wait until the end to realise that what we had was good, and this is because we don’t always remember to focus on those around us.

But let me share with you, as always, two experiences this week that showed me how vital friends and family are in our lives. Let’s start with friendship which is so key to humans and part of our every day lives.

When I first joined Face book back in 2007 I was exited to know that the world had created a space where I was able to re-connect with people I had met in various stages of my life. I began to connect with so many people I knew and enjoyed their company. I know people are very cautious about Face book and the use of it, and I agree that social media has become very dangerous, but to me is just as dangerous as what you say in your local pub, there is always someone listening or sharing this information, so you only tell people what you want them to know! Nevertheless for me this was a great vehicle to re-kindle with so many friends. However, virtual social networking is hard work, and you have to constantly be there to keep up with all that is happening and remain in touch with people. So I guess this is no different to what it was like before we had Face book, the only difference is that now you can communicate with so many people across the world instead of just a few in your local pub! This fact alone make social networking on the Internet a great place to be and the added advantage is that nowadays you don’t need to be in the same pub to be able to keep those relationships going.

We have always known that it’s hard work to keep up with friends and this may be due to the fact that not everyone you know may be one of those individuals you have “chemistry” with, or a more deep meaningful relationship that goes beyond a drink and a packet of crisps on a Friday evening. And you don’t need to see those special friends every day to know he/she is a great friend. What made me realise this is when I met my long-standing friend, Charlotte More, after more then 3 years of just communicating through virtual social networking. We sat in Starbucks drinking a coffee and picking up from where we left last time we saw each other, as if time had not passed by. It is a great feeling and one hard to describe, but even after all this time we had so much to talk and in fact ran out of time. We said goodbye not knowing when will it be the next time we see each other but our friendship is so strong and so important that it doesn’t matter how far we are, or how often we see each other, there will always be room for a coffee and a great chat in Starbucks!

As Charlie and I said goodbye and I reflected on this, I realised that moments like this remind me that friendship is more than just having the person near you, is about sharing emotions and experiences that makes that bond, that chemistry, that special something that every time you meet you can spend hours just catching up and enjoying each other’s company.

So what about Family? The picture I have shared with you all in this blog has, of course my friend Charlie, but also my family. My father said you can’t choose your family, and he was right to some extend, but whom you marry and have your own family with is your choice! In my case I chose to marry an incredible woman who turns out to be also a great friend! And my children are a product of that loving bond between us, so I guess I chose my family and very happy to have them in my life! And I realised how important they are in my life when this week I found myself alone in my house as they left for their summer vacation in Spain. And what has really brought home the importance of family is that being alone in the house reminds me how empty my life is without them! Yes we all enjoy peace and quite from time to time, but when you find yourself wondering around not hearing the shouting and fighting and noises they make, you realise how important those noises are in your life! This experience helps me remember that I am who I am because of them, and this should never be taken for granted.

I guess we are who we are because of those around us, both friends and family, and that no matter how far or close they are, they form a vital part in our lives. So don’t wait to know what you have until you lose it, it may be too late to get it back.